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I Swear We're Not This Sad Anymore

by Depart/Return

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1.
As I watch you shifting nervous on the sideline, Older kids running careless in the sunshine, Am I looking in a mirror? Are we all a loop with centers growing nearer? Helpless to escape the tree of probability, I have to believe there’s a way get free, Am I looking in a mirror? Are we all a loop with centers growing nearer? I don’t pray much at all these days, When I do it’s almost always for you, I’m sure it’s selfish in some ways, but I need some help to see you through, So your furrowed brow that looks so much like mine, becomes an option not a mask, a talent not a task, I pray you’ll be just fine, Your grandmother taught me its ok to cry, She did enough herself to know, taught us boys not to fear our insides, but down what a tangled path we have to go, There is always a sense I wish you could arrive, Unfettered, unphased, and alive At the conclusions which only years of love heartache and loss are an accident of Now were swaying violently, together alive, dancing in the kitchen, with that look in your eye, I just want you to keep that. Keep that. Keep that please.
2.
Rewrite 04:20
Digging my own grave just to see if it’s warm, Woke up in a shape I swore I’d never form, All my nightmares end here inevitably, In my head all rivers lead to that sea, My ever present companion, Still small voice of treason, I’m sorry love I ever let him win, I feel best when I am disciplined, But there’s never been a discipline I’m worse in, I’m sorry love I ever let him win, I feel best when I am disciplined Don’t let me drift away on the wind of my sin, And you with your monogamous heart, Me never able to take part, You wordless begging for a gentle caress, Me with my arm tattooed relentless, Setting off fireworks in that small space, Where you keep your confidential face, I hope one day we let each other in, That one day we let each other win, Beat swords into plowshares, and learn how to play fair, I’m sorry I failed there, I swear I do care, I’ll rewrite my tattoos, If it means I can keep you, I’ll rewrite my tattoos, If it means I can keep you,
3.
Ten Years 03:31
I've lost all my ambition, burnt out making human revisions, I was never one to dream, Maybe it finally caught up with me, Close my eyes I’m still that 8 year old son, in a kitchen with no tune in it, silent solemn separation, feeling a child can only intuit, I asked you in that Jamaican bar, Over God knows how many beers, What you could remember, If you knew those earlier years, Why is it we both can’t recall? Without a start how can we go anywhere at all? Is that why I only ask questions? I always have to give everything directions, My work points to a hope I’m not sure I possess, My joy flows from a poisoned well, i confess Why is it we both can’t recall? Without a start how can we go anywhere at all? Like being dropped sleeping in cold water, It’s taken 10 years to get warmer Bottle me up, put me on a shelf, I just want to be by myself, left alone but more than solitary, I want to be unaffected, uncontested, arbitrary
4.
They say in the beginning, was the word, The word was with us, was us, our shared absurd, We’re all made of stories, ancient and recent, Double helix divine vowels, unique and secret, Were all plunged like millstones, In waves of narratives, soaked to our bones, We build a patchwork book that’s all our own, From pages begged, borrowed and stolen, Now we’re burning at the stakes of our myths, But there’s no ropes around our wrists, The books we used as kindling, Held all our great aspiring, Now we’re begging ashes for empty promises, Begging ashes for empty promises, We’ve exchanged our beautiful paragraphs, For calloused rationalism, compared in graphs, So we have no lament, no tragic songs to sing, No hopeful tidings, like tiny offerings to bring, The tales are leaking from our heart, Forgetting what we bleed is art, Moral of our story, we had it backwards, Stories for our morals, these we must give words,
5.
There is a further journey, No one ever told me, After the odyssey of youth, Return home, but there’s a further truth, You’ve done well, planted flags in sand, Dug wells in many foreign lands, But that certain water always dries, The heart will call for rougher skies, Walk until you forget the ways, Until the nights drag on like days, File down the compass points to go, Into the grave of your ego, A ship on broken starless seas, Going in circles, just drown me please, You’ve got to lose yourself to find they say, But I don’t know if I’ll step out that grave, So go pack your meager trophies, In the wild they trade for currency, Each one you're forced to bury, With harvest there's no guarantee,
6.
I’ve never been this angry, Because you stole those songs from me, Robbed my friends of identity, I wish that didn’t extend to me, I know I’m depressed, but that’s not the point, This fever you started will break every joint, I got all the venom that I need, But is it saved for you or me? I won’t be robbed of my grief, I’ll drink it ‘till it’s dregs I see, You kept us children, Trapped in over-simplification, Caged all our dreaming, Gave us a ceiling, So I’m allergic now to certainty, Throat swells with profanity, Hard to breath with all this hate in me, Hard to breath with all this hate in me, Your’ constantly shifting bullshit rules, I’ll blame myself, I never saw through, Fuck you and your preferential God, You took that beauty from me too,
7.
Coral Castle 05:53
So this is it, the part where we invent some meaning, Pretend we waited long enough in all our grieving, For we are wicked because we have no rest, Treating each trauma like a momentary test, I’m addicted to endings, to resolutions, Selling all I know for that next hit of revolution, But I’m starting to get worried, that I’m getting lost, It feels like I’m dying, I never guessed the cost, Just give me a one single god damned guarantee, And I’ll walk into that grave gladly, But I’ve been sitting too long upon the steps, Cause I know there’s no end in there regardless, Be still, stay put, just wait, just wait,

about

We wrote this album over the space of three years - while we learned that it's possible to be happy. It would be incredibly meaningful for us for you to listen through it.

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released May 25, 2020

Written by Depart/Return
Recorded & Mixed by Tyler Stenlund
Mastered by Mazen Ayoub

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Depart/Return Windsor, Ontario

Depart/Return is James Livingston & Tyler Stenlund.

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